Who is this 3 year old?

~ myrlovely1287 ~ Leave a comment

The kid is a whopping 3.5 years old and he has made me cry at least 12 times in the last month. It. Is. SAD. I recently uprooted our family to a different state about an hour and a half from where we used to live and since then he has quite literally been a different human being. Fast forward to 5 months later…

He now tries to yell, punch, kick, or bite anyone that tries to stop him from getting his way. And I mean anyone. The teacher’s at school have had teeth shaped indentations planted into their arms, legs, and other areas that I won’t write about here. My son suddenly throws massive tantrums and makes me feel like the most inadequate parent on the planet. There are times that I can’t calm him down, I can’t discipline him, and I am not enough. FULL STOP.

Let that sit for a minute…

There are moments I feel like I’m not enough. They are fleeting, incomprehensible moments that rock me. I allow myself the irrational thought and then I remind myself that I AM enough and that I have to be enough because this is what I was made for.

My heart breaks to see him in such dire straits. My heart breaks a bit more to see the look on the teacher’s faces when I bring him in or after a particularly tough day when I go to pick him up. My heart breaks when he asks for Nana or Grandma who are both back in the state we left 100 miles away. My heart breaks when he won’t nap (well not really but it helps with my sanity when he does). I can’t pinpoint exactly what is going on in that tiny little head of his. I don’t know how to address all of his really BIG concerns. We’ve tried dramatic play/pretend, therapy for kiddos, visits with his safe people, more love and attention from me and my husband, and when it seems like his behavior is trending up, we get a call that he bit another teacher. What is going on?

Wait, it may help if I back up a bit. Around the time that this all started, the kid was attacked by bees in the yard of our “new house”(4 stings to be exact). Less than 1 week later he was attacked by bees in the playground of his “new school” (2 stings). Ever since then, his therapist and I can only imagine that this experience has been a defining moment for him. The thing that shattered his understanding of safety both at home and at school in this new town where none of his world as he knows it exists.

So on the one hand, I can understand his reactions of late but on the other, boy is it exhausting! The constant power struggle, the screaming, the tantrums, the sour patch kid.

The “I’m going to say or do the exact opposite of what you say” to try and exert my power kid.

The “I’m going to resist sleep” because I know I’m going to miss something and I refuse to do that kid.

The “I only want to eat french toast for breakfast and if you dare deviate from my expectation you are TOAST” kid.

As well as the kid who gives you so much shit and dares you to yell at him and then does a complete 180 and says “Guess what mom?! I love you”, and disarms you. THAT KID.

That kid is my kid. Kill. Me. Now.

He seems to actively try to break me down (and anyone else in his path) on a regular basis. Some days I’m up for it but some days his fit is the thing that sends me into a tailspin and I have to remind myself, I am not alone. I am not the only parent out there who has had their child cry out for help in whatever form they know best and in the process bring them to their knees. I can’t be.

So when your toddler or child or adolescent does something so utterly out of character and shakes you up a bit, makes you second guess why the heck you’re here, remember that you are not alone.

I am here and I’m going through my journey alongside you as you go through yours.

Learning from My Mother

~ myrlovely1287 ~ Leave a comment

My mother teaches me something every day, but here are some gems in honor of her this mother’s day weekend:

There are several ways to interpret every situation, every pitfall, and every struggle. Choose the interpretation/reaction that not only adds value but keeps your joy. Nothing should be able to take your joy away. –I’m still working on this one. I get riled up sometimes and because I care, I get riled up for my mom and yet she doesn’t seem as phased or impacted as I am.

Move on quickly, make up quickly. Have your feelings, indulge for a second and then move on and most importantly let go. Your negative feelings only succeed in holding you back and keeping you down. Figure out the next step and find that silver lining. There is always one. I still remember wrong doings I’ve done to my mother. Times I have flown off the handle and said things I didn’t mean. She never brings them up, never throws them in my face. She does not live with that baggage and weight of carrying around memories and holding on to moments of distress to rehash and relive them in some distant future. I’m trying to get this one too… I fail regularly.

Love fully, completely, and consistently. It’s easy when you look at someone and they are doing everything you wish they would do. It’s real when you can still love fully, completely and consistently when you look at someone and they are everything you wish they weren’t.  That is the beauty about love. It doesn’t waiver. I am bossy. I can be aggressive and rude and sarcastic all at the same time. Sometimes I have to consciously bite my tongue and sometimes I fail. My mother hugs me anyway, loves me anyway, will pick up my pieces, will bend over backwards, will go to the end of the earth to make me happy despite my shortcomings and yet she STILL tells me the truth. She leads by an amazing example.

Be yourself. If you love dressing up and taking pictures with flowers, do it. If you don’t feel whole unless your hair is permed, then perm away. If your purse must match your shoes no matter what the occasion, do it. If you like to wear fuzzy socks in the summer and sleep in onesies, do it. Don’t let anyone tell you who to be or what is weird. Be weird, be different, be annoying, be you. No one else will. You were not put on this earth to fit in. We were put here to stand out and share our light.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! Thank you for everything!

Losing

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Guard it with your life, pleads the mother of four. But four have already decided to expose themselves to the other, leaving none. One explains that she is in love and he is hers from now until the end. So really there is no point in waiting for the purest day at the hour of their consummation. He is here now and will be there then. Mother responds, “My child, it’s hard to close the doors when the goods are in such high demand but power lies behind your fortress. Power lies beneath your skin. I cannot tell all the mistakes I’ve made or force you to learn from them. But from them I can inform you, protect you”. Eyes are rolled and steps are taken to escape the discerning eyes of the elder. As she walks away we are reminded that only time will tell who remains in the end and at that point we hope there are no regrets.

Eyes Wide Shut

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Fear is in the eye of the beholder.
It creeps up behind like a shadow,
Forcing the instinct to run
Directly beneath the sun, to hide.
However impossible that may seem.
Teeming with adrenaline, we panic-

Trapped by our own fears we panic,
Unable to face and behold her
Controlled by her forever it seems,
As she lurks unawares, in the shadows.
Eyes cover themselves with lids and hide
Causing skin to suppress the urge to run

If the choice is constantly to turn and run
It will always result in an uncontrolled panic
She finds us no matter how well we hide
Tapping aggressively at the beholder
Of her essence, who insists to blend with the shadows.
She fills the heart until it bursts at the seams,

Exploding in the chest cavity while she seems
To laugh, meanwhile alluding us as if to run
Like ghosts lurking in the black of the shadows
Inevitably causing the instant panic
Attack of those that seek to behold her
Attempting to avoid the urge to hide

shadow-lion

Like a lion chasing the raw-hide
Starving at the back of the heels, she seems
To be constantly following her beholder
As each foot slams against the pavement to run
Away from her efforts to increase heart panic
The beating ominous cloudless shadow

Darkness emerges to slap from beneath the shadow
When instinctively the face turns to hide,
But elusively what grows is a boiling panic
Overflowing our pot with heat which seems
To place fire at the feet, forcing one to run
All the while avoiding her pleas to behold her.

At night the shadows collect in the seams
Of the room, hiding with craftiness and running
In what appears like a panic towards the I, the beholder.

True Nature

~ myrlovely1287 ~ Leave a comment

 

It’s

stifling

in here where

I’ve been forced to

spend the remainder of

the year. Sometimes, if  I’ve

 been good you’ll let me stay out

past my bedtime, which unfortunately

comes right after you’ve stripped me of the

fruits I bear as gifts to you from those you love.

As a result, I’ve never seen the flowers bloom or the

leaves fall, betrayed by the real trees they come from.

Sometimes I wish I could watch the one I was modeled after

so maybe he can tell me how to better suit your needs. I’m trying

my best to look well-dressed year after year, but I’m getting too old for

this job. Seasonal as it may be. Year after year I only give you fuel to replace

me with one much younger, fuller, greener, and sexier. After so much sweat and

tears why get rid of me? Throw me out on the street like a tired whore. I need you,

but I am too old for this shit and I can’t even dress myself. My needles are dull so I guess

you’ve grown

tired as well.

Being a Mom

~ myrlovely1287 ~ Leave a comment

What I’ve learned from being a mother:

walking-down-a-pathYou can show your kid one path but you can’t force them to take it. Walk with them anyway.

You can give and give and give but they still may not be happy. Keep giving anyway.

You may not always feel the “love” but they were not made to love you. You were made to love them. So keep loving them. The rest will come.

They cannot be returned. You cannot get a refund. You cannot get another one. As much as you might like, you cannot throw them out the window. They are yours forever.

You get 97% trouble and 3% smiles. img_4652It’s ALL perfect but live for the smiles.

If they act like they hate you and only want to make things hard for you. You cannot get even. Love them through it.

Everything is a choice. You can choose to dwell on the sleepless nights, the throw up and the fact that they won’t do things as you like or you can choose to focus on the good times, the laughs, their beauty, and your love for them. One choice doesn’t enrich your life at ALL (in fact it will make you miserable) and the other allows you to live more freely. Choose wisely.

Sometimes you have to make two meals (this is not just about food). They may not always want to eat WHEN or WHAT you want to eat. Feed them anyway, it’s your job.

At the end of the day your job is to encourage and support them.Criticizing and discouraging does not help. believe.jpgFind a way to say what you mean from a place of love.

When you smile you get a smile back. When you are constantly frowning what do you expect?

And last but certainly not least, being a parent is amazing. 30 years from now you will never forget the day they were born and the overwhelming joy that came with them. It’s not always perfect but then that’s the beauty of it… Remember that and Enjoy it!

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears

~ myrlovely1287 ~ Leave a comment
  1. Sending calendar invitations for events and meetings 2 months in advance only to find that people don’t look at their calendars until the day before. At which point, I get responses like, “You know what… can we move this to a different time? I leave work at 4 everyday.” Or “I really can’t make that time because I work from home on Wednesdays”. That annoys the shit out of me because if you are consistently unavailable at certain times than why on earth would you not mention that 4 weeks ago when you received the invitation?
  2. When people come up behind you and say NOTHING until you turn around. Then apologize for scaring you. #GreatThanks
  3. Being treated like I am incapable of staying out late, going out for a drink, or carrying an adult conversation that doesn’t bring up my kid because I am a mother.
  4. Being sent multiple texts by someone in rapid succession and then getting ZERO response when you text them back within a few seconds.
  5. When my husband primes the hell out of me for sex ALL DAY and then when I’ve finally put the kid to bed and am ready to get down to business… NOTHING happens.
  6. When people are disappointed because my reaction is not BIG enough for them. I’m not quite sad enough or I’m not quite happy enough or I didn’t ask enough questions blah blah blah. #
  7. When I have to have the same conversation twice or more because people don’t say what they feel the first time around.
  8. Making plans with more than one other person. Dealing with people’s schedules is the pits.
  9. Walking behind tourists in New York City. There should be a NYC guide to etiquette for tourists.
  10. When somebody’s car alarm goes off on the street and no one makes a move to stop it but EVERYONE comes out of the house to throw their hands up in annoyance and wonder why no one is turning the alarm off. Same goes for incessantly honking cars.
  11. Work politics.
  12. Trump.